Broken hearted

Why is it that when you’re heart is broken you feel soo much anger? I mean I just want to punch walls, kick things, throw things.  Instead I’ll just continue writing on this thing that no one looks at.  I think what i need to do is work out what’s going on in my head.  I need to figure out exactly when everything went to shit. I need to figure out if this is my fault, like should i have seen this coming……

No, I’ll be honest, I’m not ready to examine those things just yet.  Right now I am stuck.  I just moved and should be excited about buying new things and starting a new chapter in my life.  Instead, nope, can’t enjoy any of it.  Anytime I look at bedroom furniture I think “what does it matter”, I’m not going to be sharing it with anyone.  When I see the matching end tables, dressers or whatever I’m like, WTF I dont need all of that for just me.  I can’t enjoy music, movies, i can’t enjoy anything.  Why? b/c for the past 2 years we watched movies 2gether. O but wait, he took that away from me didn’t he? Yes, Around september he stopped watching movies with me didn’t he? Why was that Daniel? why didn’t u just end it then instead of making me suffer for an entire year????????? Now, something I enjoyed like watching movies, i can’t even do anymore.  Music? well hell damn near every single song i listen to makes me cry.  It’s all just so damn depressing.  I wonder how some women go thru this over and over and over and over. Hell, once is enough for me.  Damn near 29 y/o and going thru this mess? the first time I say the stupid words “i love you”, and THIS is how it ends??? It’s all just some damn BS to me. Fucking Daniel Perez.  I will return to my old ways.  I will once again be a selfish bitch not giving anyone the time of day.

You want to ignore me Daniel Perez??? Good for you.  You want to be my “friend”? well fuck you. I have friends.  If u wanted to be my friend you had over 2 years to be my fucking friend. You want to talk about “you’re not ready”, well jackass guess what? Doesn’t matter if you’re NEVER ready.  Daniel Perez. Mr “i sabatoge everything in my life”. Fucker!!! U keep that shit to YOURSELF. U want to be an all suffering budahist whatever. Well the key to that is “SUFFER ALONE” u do NOT bring happy people down with you!

The change

Wow, so how is it that after almost 29 years of life I finally have experienced love and heartache.  I was never the type of girl who grew up planning her wedding, never picked out the names of children I might one day have.  Never wanted the whole white picket fence. 

But then one day just over 2 years ago I met the man who changed all of that. Me the “super slut” who just didn’t give a damn.  For once in my life I took my time, I didn’t cheat.  To think of it now i even started picking out the names of the future children who would drive us crazy.  The idea of doing someone else’s laundry appealed to me.  For once I was actually excited about maybe growing old with someone.  But tonight I will finally admit to myself that those things are not in my future.  O, I hung on as long as I could, but tonight I have ended it all. For real this time.  I have done nothing but cried for the past 9 months or so (NO I am NOT pregnant thank you!).  As I’m lying here tonight I can’t think about anything other than the extreme amount of pain deep inside my chest.  I can’t even describe this feeling that has surrounded me.  It has done nothing but grown for the past three months.  Hell, I haven’t been able to read and enjoy gawker.com.  This is just one of the many signs that something is truly wrong with me.  I swear ALL I wanted was to be alone.  All those years of being single and I swear I was fine. I was happy.  Man I used to be such a HAPPY person. Yes, I was a bitch, but overall I was a happy bitch.

And now.  Now I can’t go 24 hours without crying.  Now I have no one i can go to. No one to explain what the hell is going on with me.  If I were to tell anyone that I am feeling this way over a man, they wouldn’t believe me. They’d actually laugh at me. Because everyone knows I don’t give a damn about men.  I don’t understand how I let this happen to me.  Evidently I loved “too much” or “too hard”. Whatever. Hell I have never loved ANYONE, how the hell was I supposed to know there is a right and wrong way.  Figures the ONE time in my life I don’t play games, I didn’t play with him like his sole purpose on earth was to please me and LOOK. Here I am. Alone. Crying like a fucking baby.